Life tests you...You believe you have resolved an issue within yourself, a relationship, on your job. You believe this, because you did the hard work of looking within yourself, of communicating effectively, of challenging yourself to speak your truth...and you got the results you desired. But, life will test you, will slap you right in the face with that resolved issue to see if you flounder this time, or if you get it right.
This is where I found myself just a week ago when I realized for the second time that a certain Baby Daddy, who shall remain nameless, once again was prepared to drive our child from our agreed upon meeting spot without a booster seat. And, he was cavalierly ready to do it right in front of me!
Several months ago, during a somewhat contentious point in our co-parenting relationship, I finally found the strength to give him a booster seat ultimatum. After hearing numerous times that the seats in his girlfriend's car were padded; that he'd left the seat I'd bought for him somewhere where it wasn't easily accessible; and that our child would be OK; I finally did it. I explained cooly as we stood at a different agreed upon child-transfer location, that he could not take our child if he did not have a booster seat...and that this time, he couldn't borrow mine. It was my moment like the one Erykah Badu has at the end of "Tyrone"..."You better caaaaalll Tyroooone..but you can't use my phone!"
But, because I believe that my son's relationship with his father is extremely important, I also offered to wait until he drove to the Target just ten minutes away to purchase one. He declined and failed to spend the day with his son. The following day...similar discussion...same result...no visit. Even after I emailed him the brochure explaining that it was the law in our state and that even if he didn't have the inclination to do it for the safety of our child, I knew he didn't want to deal with a DWB and the penalty for endangering your child's life while driving. But the pattern continued for two weekends until he finally purchased a seat...or retrieved the one I'd bought him before when he failed to purchase one himself.
I shed so many tears over this issue, made so many calls to vent to friends and family, tried to reason with him, cursed him out...it was an emotional ride this booster seat issue. I felt helpless to change him and, therefore, the situation. I carried guilt, even though intellectually I understood that I was not the one keeping him from his son. I hated that our pretty good friendship was at risk of falling apart. It was tough, this booster seat issue.
At the time, I was learning to establish some boundaries in our relationship, to let him own certain responsibilities and not to do that controlling thing where you want the other parent to step up, but you always take matters into your own hands and then bash him or her for not doing what you wanted them to do. So, I'd come to a point, several months ago, where I realized that I had to let that type of control go and let him deal with the consequences of his actions. It was liberating for me even if it meant that I had to change my plans on more than one occasion. The point was made, he eventually got a seat, and I made it a point to include that stipulation in the parenting agreement I was working on with my attorney.
We definitely had some serious arguments during that period. We were dealing with a lot of change in our lives. He was living with his new girlfriend and had moved much farther away which made the logistics of spending time with our son more inconvenient. We were both dealing with my newfound understanding of boundaries and my compulsion to establish them. To him, I was disrupting the status quo and trying to control him. And, to me, he was rebelling against that at the expense of spending time with his son...$15 or a trip to pick up his perfectly good booster seat is all it would have taken. But, the need to rebel against the perceived control, at the time, seemed to outweigh what he was losing. Time with his child..and my respect.
But, we overcame it. An intense but interesting meeting with my attorney to discuss our parenting agreement, a new booster seat, consistency on my part regarding my boundaries, and several more conversations for clarity got us back on track. And, everything has been fine since.
Until I saw my child without his booster seat when I was picking him up from a weekend trip to South Carolina he'd made with his father. Yes, he'd driven the boy all the way there and back without it. I don't know why, but I didn't say anything about it. Then, again, at the next drop-off, as I was walking our son over to his father's car, after a wonderful chat about what was new with each of us and our little one, I noticed the absence of the seat. I raised the issue, I loaned him mine and guaranteed him that he would not be able to take our son without one...and he couldn't use mine.
I admit to having two venting calls after, because I still don't understand how a parent can make that OK as a rule. But, the angst, the guilt, the risk of the good parts of our co-parenting relationship falling apart...there was none of that. And, ultimately, after I spoke my peace about it in my venting sessions and got over the sick feeling in my stomach created by thinking about my little one riding around booster seatless thinking he's a big boy but actually being at risk if his father had to hit the brakes hard for some reason... it just was what it was. I had made the right decision...and, ultimately, so did he.
Now, I haven't completely cured myself of nagging, so every time we talked that week, I did ask about the booster seat...I admit that, too. He betrayed my booster seat trust, and he's going to have to deal with the consequences until that is healed. And, I still don't understand why he thinks it's OK. But, that doesn't matter.
Ultimately, I think I passed this test. And, in the end, so did he.
This is where I found myself just a week ago when I realized for the second time that a certain Baby Daddy, who shall remain nameless, once again was prepared to drive our child from our agreed upon meeting spot without a booster seat. And, he was cavalierly ready to do it right in front of me!
Several months ago, during a somewhat contentious point in our co-parenting relationship, I finally found the strength to give him a booster seat ultimatum. After hearing numerous times that the seats in his girlfriend's car were padded; that he'd left the seat I'd bought for him somewhere where it wasn't easily accessible; and that our child would be OK; I finally did it. I explained cooly as we stood at a different agreed upon child-transfer location, that he could not take our child if he did not have a booster seat...and that this time, he couldn't borrow mine. It was my moment like the one Erykah Badu has at the end of "Tyrone"..."You better caaaaalll Tyroooone..but you can't use my phone!"
But, because I believe that my son's relationship with his father is extremely important, I also offered to wait until he drove to the Target just ten minutes away to purchase one. He declined and failed to spend the day with his son. The following day...similar discussion...same result...no visit. Even after I emailed him the brochure explaining that it was the law in our state and that even if he didn't have the inclination to do it for the safety of our child, I knew he didn't want to deal with a DWB and the penalty for endangering your child's life while driving. But the pattern continued for two weekends until he finally purchased a seat...or retrieved the one I'd bought him before when he failed to purchase one himself.
I shed so many tears over this issue, made so many calls to vent to friends and family, tried to reason with him, cursed him out...it was an emotional ride this booster seat issue. I felt helpless to change him and, therefore, the situation. I carried guilt, even though intellectually I understood that I was not the one keeping him from his son. I hated that our pretty good friendship was at risk of falling apart. It was tough, this booster seat issue.
At the time, I was learning to establish some boundaries in our relationship, to let him own certain responsibilities and not to do that controlling thing where you want the other parent to step up, but you always take matters into your own hands and then bash him or her for not doing what you wanted them to do. So, I'd come to a point, several months ago, where I realized that I had to let that type of control go and let him deal with the consequences of his actions. It was liberating for me even if it meant that I had to change my plans on more than one occasion. The point was made, he eventually got a seat, and I made it a point to include that stipulation in the parenting agreement I was working on with my attorney.
We definitely had some serious arguments during that period. We were dealing with a lot of change in our lives. He was living with his new girlfriend and had moved much farther away which made the logistics of spending time with our son more inconvenient. We were both dealing with my newfound understanding of boundaries and my compulsion to establish them. To him, I was disrupting the status quo and trying to control him. And, to me, he was rebelling against that at the expense of spending time with his son...$15 or a trip to pick up his perfectly good booster seat is all it would have taken. But, the need to rebel against the perceived control, at the time, seemed to outweigh what he was losing. Time with his child..and my respect.
But, we overcame it. An intense but interesting meeting with my attorney to discuss our parenting agreement, a new booster seat, consistency on my part regarding my boundaries, and several more conversations for clarity got us back on track. And, everything has been fine since.
Until I saw my child without his booster seat when I was picking him up from a weekend trip to South Carolina he'd made with his father. Yes, he'd driven the boy all the way there and back without it. I don't know why, but I didn't say anything about it. Then, again, at the next drop-off, as I was walking our son over to his father's car, after a wonderful chat about what was new with each of us and our little one, I noticed the absence of the seat. I raised the issue, I loaned him mine and guaranteed him that he would not be able to take our son without one...and he couldn't use mine.
I admit to having two venting calls after, because I still don't understand how a parent can make that OK as a rule. But, the angst, the guilt, the risk of the good parts of our co-parenting relationship falling apart...there was none of that. And, ultimately, after I spoke my peace about it in my venting sessions and got over the sick feeling in my stomach created by thinking about my little one riding around booster seatless thinking he's a big boy but actually being at risk if his father had to hit the brakes hard for some reason... it just was what it was. I had made the right decision...and, ultimately, so did he.
Now, I haven't completely cured myself of nagging, so every time we talked that week, I did ask about the booster seat...I admit that, too. He betrayed my booster seat trust, and he's going to have to deal with the consequences until that is healed. And, I still don't understand why he thinks it's OK. But, that doesn't matter.
Ultimately, I think I passed this test. And, in the end, so did he.
Congratulations on passing Life Test #3457. This is a very sensitive issue and I truly understand your angst over your Baby Daddy's appearant lack of basic fundamental concern over your son's well being. But the truth is, you know that he genuinely cares for his son and wants the best for him, so what's at issue is not the concern for his son but his decision making ability or lack there of. That said, my advice is to make it easy on him and yourself by focusing your energy on demonstrating to your son the importance of being in a booster seat but giving him his very own personalized booster seat that he can carry with him regardless of whom his chauffer may be.
Simplify Sista! Especailly those things you cant control.
Posted by: EFly | May 07, 2008 at 12:52 PM