WeParent

The Mama Spot

Why I'm Blogging: Part I

Sitting in my cousin's bathroom over seven years ago now, I looked at that little dipstick and immediately felt shame, confusion and pure fear at the fact that I had just become a statistic...a Baby Mama.  Fortunately, at the age of 30ish, I was able to get over it and approach my pregnancy and motherhood as a grown woman.  But, I wasn't alone.  There was a man involved...a man who I had just days earlier told that I wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship and who had told me the same; a man to whom I was not committed and who was not committed to me.  He was now a Baby Daddy.

I'm blogging because, I am proud of us.  I am proud of me, and I am proud of him.  On the day I told him over the phone from across the country that he was about to be a father, we both committed to nothing else but building a friendship and a parenting partnership that would allow us to raise our child to the best of our ability with the least amount of drama.  And, a six-year-old son and three years after our break-up later, through challenges, disagreements, can't-stand-you-don't-want-to-even-look-at-you-ever-again arguments, we are still here...friends and co-parents getting better every year.

I am blogging because, when we look around us, we don't see many other co-parents who share the type of relationship we have.  We haven't figured it all out.  We are both still experts at pushing one another's buttons.  And, as you read in my first post, we have our own brand of drama every now and then.  But, what we have found...have claimed...is that we are Family.  Through our incredible son, we have become Family.  That means that when it gets tough; when we don't want to deal with the drama; when it feels like we can't resolve some conflict, we keep trying.  We will not walk away from the original commitment we made to one another. 

It's challenging, of course.  There are days when it seems like it might be easier to just walk away, not deal with one another.  But, there are more days when we laugh about something our son has said, beam together about his latest accomplishment, and frankly, pat ourselves on the back about what we have built together as parents.

I'm blogging as a way to try to get better at this; to find or stimulate the discussions and sharing that will get us there.  And, I'm blogging to spread the word to other Baby Mamas and Baby Daddys that it really is possible to parent together...perhaps imperfectly...but together.  And, it is necessary for the sake of our children. 

So, I'm blogging to say that even though we are Mothers and Fathers who are not together romantically, we can be family...and we must, for our children.  All the statistics...which I'll detail in another post...tell the story of the advantages that children enjoy when both their parents are actively involved in parenting.  And, the advantages are even greater when they are actually partnering in that process.  The flip side, of course, is that when we don't sort through the drama, when we give up on the possibility, our children suffer emotionally, financially, educationally.

I'm blogging, because this is important, and I want us to embrace these new Families we have created through whatever circumstances.  I believe in our potential to do better for our children and for ourselves.  And, I believe that there are other Mothers and Fathers trying to figure this out, too.

My Baby Daddy and me?  We are Family.  Our son made it so.  We will not walk away from this, because if we do, on some level, we are walking away from him.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Life Test #3457: Booster Seat Battle

Life tests you...You believe you have resolved an issue within yourself, a relationship, on your job. You believe this, because you did the hard work of looking within yourself, of communicating effectively, of challenging yourself to speak your truth...and you got the results you desired. But, life will test you, will slap you right in the face with that resolved issue to see if you flounder this time, or if you get it right.

This is where I found myself just a week ago when I realized for the second time that a certain Baby Daddy, who shall remain nameless, once again was prepared to drive our child from our agreed upon meeting spot without a booster seat. And, he was cavalierly ready to do it right in front of me!

Several months ago, during a somewhat contentious point in our co-parenting relationship, I finally found the strength to give him a booster seat ultimatum. After hearing numerous times that the seats in his girlfriend's car were padded; that he'd left the seat I'd bought for him somewhere where it wasn't easily accessible; and that our child would be OK; I finally did it. I explained cooly as we stood at a different agreed upon child-transfer location, that he could not take our child if he did not have a booster seat...and that this time, he couldn't borrow mine. It was my moment like the one Erykah Badu has at the end of "Tyrone"..."You better caaaaalll Tyroooone..but you can't use my phone!"

But, because I believe that my son's relationship with his father is extremely important, I also offered to wait until he drove to the Target just ten minutes away to purchase one. He declined and failed to spend the day with his son. The following day...similar discussion...same result...no visit. Even after I emailed him the brochure explaining that it was the law in our state and that even if he didn't have the inclination to do it for the safety of our child, I knew he didn't want to deal with a DWB and the penalty for endangering your child's life while driving. But the pattern continued for two weekends until he finally purchased a seat...or retrieved the one I'd bought him before when he failed to purchase one himself.

I shed so many tears over this issue, made so many calls to vent to friends and family, tried to reason with him, cursed him out...it was an emotional ride this booster seat issue. I felt helpless to change him and, therefore, the situation. I carried guilt, even though intellectually I understood that I was not the one keeping him from his son. I hated that our pretty good friendship was at risk of falling apart. It was tough, this booster seat issue.

At the time, I was learning to establish some boundaries in our relationship, to let him own certain responsibilities and not to do that controlling thing where you want the other parent to step up, but you always take matters into your own hands and then bash him or her for not doing what you wanted them to do. So, I'd come to a point, several months ago, where I realized that I had to let that type of control go and let him deal with the consequences of his actions. It was liberating for me even if it meant that I had to change my plans on more than one occasion. The point was made, he eventually got a seat, and I made it a point to include that stipulation in the parenting agreement I was working on with my attorney.

We definitely had some serious arguments during that period. We were dealing with a lot of change in our lives. He was living with his new girlfriend and had moved much farther away which made the logistics of spending time with our son more inconvenient. We were both dealing with my newfound understanding of boundaries and my compulsion to establish them. To him, I was disrupting the status quo and trying to control him. And, to me, he was rebelling against that at the expense of spending time with his son...$15 or a trip to pick up his perfectly good booster seat is all it would have taken. But, the need to rebel against the perceived control, at the time, seemed to outweigh what he was losing. Time with his child..and my respect.

But, we overcame it. An intense but interesting meeting with my attorney to discuss our parenting agreement, a new booster seat, consistency on my part regarding my boundaries, and several more conversations for clarity got us back on track. And, everything has been fine since.

Until I saw my child without his booster seat when I was picking him up from a weekend trip to South Carolina he'd made with his father. Yes, he'd driven the boy all the way there and back without it. I don't know why, but I didn't say anything about it. Then, again, at the next drop-off, as I was walking our son over to his father's car, after a wonderful chat about what was new with each of us and our little one, I noticed the absence of the seat. I raised the issue, I loaned him mine and guaranteed him that he would not be able to take our son without one...and he couldn't use mine.

I admit to having two venting calls after, because I still don't understand how a parent can make that OK as a rule. But, the angst, the guilt, the risk of the good parts of our co-parenting relationship falling apart...there was none of that. And, ultimately, after I spoke my peace about it in my venting sessions and got over the sick feeling in my stomach created by thinking about my little one riding around booster seatless thinking he's a big boy but actually being at risk if his father had to hit the brakes hard for some reason... it just was what it was. I had made the right decision...and, ultimately, so did he.

Now, I haven't completely cured myself of nagging, so every time we talked that week, I did ask about the booster seat...I admit that, too. He betrayed my booster seat trust, and he's going to have to deal with the consequences until that is healed. And, I still don't understand why he thinks it's OK. But, that doesn't matter.

Ultimately, I think I passed this test. And, in the end, so did he.